Day 14 progressing to a new me.
I did so many things in the last few days that I feel a bit lost.
I applied to at least 14 different companies for teaching job. I looked over my calendar to see that I need to do my review of my last years work at the current company and it took me down in the drain again.
I hate the people who manipulated me. I hate the feeling to getting manipulated. I hate my kids seeing me this way. But I have no other way but to go on, forward and forward.
Last night I had a dream, there was a man close to me, I woke up with a smile on my face. I was such a fool. There is going to be no man. There is going to be nobody caring for me. There is going to be me and only my kids. Its not a punishment or a choice, its a fact. I need to protect them and the only way I can protect them is by ensuring no man can come in my life ever again.
This scares me even further.
What if I need some medical help anytime.
What if I have no more time left and there is so much my kids need me for.
What if I need someone to hold my hand, while I am taking those last few breathes.
I am afraid to die alone.
I know that I will die alone, (everybody does). I know that my family won't come, my kids may be hold back from coming and seeing me on my death bed. And worse, I might see that awful face, that someone who manipulated my mind and thoughts. I feel pity for his parents who were so badly manipulated by him over and over again.
I need to give myself permission to smile and feel happy.
I need to stop thinking of that inevitable death.
Death scares me, I dont want to die. There is so much to do, see and experience.
This month is taking me to a new me. I am pushing myself to rethink my life. I am giving myself time to grieve. I am mourning the loss of a marriage, a love, and a job. In all, teri to lag gai hai yaar ab kuch aacha nahi hoga, nahiiiiii. Ab sab aacha hoga aur bas aacha hi hoga.
My grandfather was a legacy, he is still a legacy.
He suffered from Diabetes, I suffer from Diabetes.
He bestowed some blessings on me.
I am finding it really hard to survive. Its becoming a big challenge. Each day. I am struggling.
May be I need to give up something.
Before I give up on life.